I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
