Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
