did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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