I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
