my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize