the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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