Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
