I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
