I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
