I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
