No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
