this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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