I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
