That's when you crack a 10am beer
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
