Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
