ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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