Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
