____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
what day is it and did you see me today?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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