You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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