you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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