Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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