tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
