I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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