uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Randomize
