I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
