"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
