epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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