I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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