I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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