Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
