How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
