I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
