need another drink. this is the easiest way
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize