Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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