I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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