I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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