Someone shit on the floor
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
