remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
