I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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