thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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