I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I need mimosas to revive my soul
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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