Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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