Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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