He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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