I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
