I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
