So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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