I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
