One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Randomize
