i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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