I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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