I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Randomize
