my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
