just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
