I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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