the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
