Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
