im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
