some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
