I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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