You're so nebulous sometimes
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
