I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize