He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
