I wish my penis had an off switch
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
