I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
