I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize