cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
