your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
